I just wrote a letter to my bosses, the owner in Calgary and Will my friend and branch manager, that I thought I would also post here, because writing it is probably the stupidest thing I have done in a long while

Here it is:

Yesterday on July 16, 2009 I had an argument with Will. Part of the reason for it was simply me saying things I should not have. I apologized for it and would like to do so again. Some of the things I said were very inappropriate, and I am sorry. Still, the reason there was a discussion in the first place has a serious concern. It’s taken me a bit of time to sort out my thoughts on it, and I’m trying to write this out in order to discuss the serious problem I am having at Pro-Data that has led to this argument.

It’s becoming obvious to me that the consent heavy work load has pushed me to Burn Out, causing my performance to suffer and my work habits to change. Since the service department has dropped down to myself alone, at the same time where service is pressured to bring in more revenue, the work load has been beyond considerable. This has been constant with no end in sight – in fact with Pro-Data Edmonton more profitable, my situation becomes far worse.

There are side effects of the heavy workload that may not be obvious if you have not been paying steady attention to the Edmonton service department. For example, Time Management is nearly impossible. Client emergencies, face to face time with all walk in traffic and calls, and difficult to diagnose problems all derail plans for structuring the day constantly. Getting a delay due to a DOA part on a repair or distressed client who needs talking down, slows down the whole department because every delay affects me and I am the whole department. Another problem is low priority duties such as monitor replacements will get delayed so often that many weeks can pass before they are properly completed, often when a client calls with concerns. There are just a few of the things that add to the stress in my situation.

For months I tried to give Pro-data my 110% to help deal with this. For January through March and beyond, when things were at a very bad level, I worked overtime several days a week; constantly. At the same time my health suffered, and I ended up much using my extra time covering doctor appointments, or home sick. The long term affect of this was Will’s concerns about how I was recording overtime and he asked that I no longer schedule any without detailed records and advance approval from him. While I appreciate that those are good things to have and I agree with them, I feel my attempts at making an extra effort for Pro-Data have been penalized rather than rewarded.

The work load now is as bad as it has ever been, but I am no longer giving 110% percent. I find I can’t perform at that level anymore. In fact, I am sure Will has caught me spending moments web surfing a few times. At home, I don’t even want to think abut work and I’ve made more effort than ever at keeping the two worlds separate. Also added responsibilities can get me making irrational decisions to avoid them. This is what happened when I got into an argument with Will when he confronted me about the certification training, and had me defend my intention to step back from it.

In March I actually contemplated sending a letter saying I was approaching Burnout, but I did not. I had no solution to this problem, at least not one that Pro-data can reasonably take. I still don’t. And I want to make it clear that I am NOT using this as an excuse to look for more compensation. But this is serous enough that it led to the argument, and a drop in the quality of my work. I have to tell someone, even if noting can be done.

Will asked me to be brief if wrote this letter and surprisingly this is that version. I have much more to say, some of which may be far more unfriendly to hear. I would be willing to discuss this further at any time, but I do want to say this before I do: Do not treat this as it’s just MY problem. This is a Pro-Data problem. I do not think any conversation on this that approaches with the idea that this is just a matter of my perceptions treats any of this seriously.

Patrick Pachal
July 16th, 2009

Very dumb to say any of that out loud. Here’s guessing no good will come of it.

Why do little things get me so?

There are 2 hours remaining on my 37th birthday today and my mind is in the place it usually is around this time… contemplating the little things that bother me and turning them over and over until they become dangerous, rusty nails jamming into my side.

My problem right now is I want to name names in giving a forum to these nuggets of dislike, but even this unseen corner of the net is too public with what I have to say. But of course I should hold off anyway right? It’s only because of the day I am so dark, right? Surely I would feel saddened by my public outpouring of thoughts in the AM, and then the guilt would settle… Isn’t it better to stave off the eventual regret reveling my dark thoughts would bring?

But some of these particular thoughts come up again and again and not just on these anniversaries. The come up because I am lured by my softened thoughts – my lighter side betrays me. I hold back, and later my thoughts do soften, and then months or days after that, I remember why I had felt the sharp pain once before.

Case in point: a friend who is also an illusion. And this person is a friend true, certainly. And if you think it is you reading this now, let me say that it is not – this person does not and never will see this space (that I know of). But they are a friend. Together we have laughed and talked and played games, almost always in the company of others. We are two of many you see. The groups we are a part of are often greater then the some of their parts.

Friend indeed, but time and again, not the friend I think. It is impressive how one can think of a friendship in one way, and the other member will think of it as a completely different thing. I would say surprising instead of impressive, but it shouldn’t be surprising… it is a fact of the human condition that we are so isolated.

Some friends welcome heaver matters: secret thoughts, shared burdens, trusted things. Some friendships do not accommodate, and some start to tear when one tests them with such weight. It is a small matter, because I am a child with such heavy things. I want to pick and pull at them, try to share or get aid to lift them so they become easier. But my heavy things are no ones responsibility but my own. I can use others to absolve myself of all responsibility in their matter and that can be a mistake also.

But the mistake here is repeating my mistake, over and over – thinking of a friendship in a way it is not. Or is it just mine? This is the Dark Thought: if the friendship is not what I wish, do I want it at all? Do I really need another “friend lite”, or do I need someone who will be there for me like I would be for them? If I am not trusted should I share my trust at all? Should I resolve this often rehashed story and close the book on it?

My emotion wants a completely unreasonable outcome: that this friend will feel some sorrow that I have felt slighted in this way… that they will compensate by showing me extra attention. But in truth I know better. I will wake in the morning and will accept the friendship for what it is… and later make the same mistake again.

Maybe when it’s my birthday again.

I lost the penny tonight.

Truth is that I probably lost it many moons ago, as I put it away and have not worn it or kept it around for quite some time, but I only discovered it missing tonight. A far as I remember, I placed it in a small container by my bedside and tonight when I went looking for it, I found the container on its side. It most likely spilled its contents, penny and silver chain together, over the table’s side and into the waste basket and been inadvertently carried out long ago . If that is not where it ended up, it hardly matters because I have no idea where it could be.

That penny has had great timing it its time with me and tonight may be no different. Tomorrow very early in the AM I travel to New York for my brother’s wedding. When I first heard about my brother’s planned event I was hit with some jealously. I have never envied his success, but I did find I was jealous of his happiness. But I’m a big boy and I have had time and the jealously fell away. Now, I am just looking forward to seeing him again and having a chance for an adventure in New York. Not coveting happiness but trying and hoping for some of my own.

And that’s why I decided to find the penny. And now it’s gone.

And it’s hard not to think that that means something… because if there are patterns we can see, or signs of destiny, or lucky symbols… or little keepsakes that rub off with a little bit of magic from time to time, for me – in all my life – that penny was it.

I feel like something is never coming back.

Tomorrow I need to take the absurdly named “Mental Health Day”. But I do NEED it.

I … can’t even describe how I do or how much I do. So lets just brain storm some thoughts to give a scattered picture why.

I am angry. So very angry.
I want to shake so much, or scream.
I am so frustrated at anything I see.
I need to clean this place so badly, but I know I go a litte crazy when I do. That’s happened the last 2 times I started straightening around here.
I need to get my car with my parents and I need to do it during the day tomorrow.
I have been working extra hours and feeling so emotionally awful at work that I’ve been unable to work extra hours some days.
I really hate work right now. It’s rarely made me more uncomfortable than I feel nowadays. It also feels that it’s not getting any better.
I am quick to anger at work. I am angry at my boss just because he took a vacation while I was getting further behind. Of all the things to get angry at him about, and there are a few, this is a very stupid reason.
I think I’m making mistakes at work. After 5:00 when I’m in extra hours, I can barely think straight.
I want to get under the covers and just sleep – forever… or at least a long while.
I am so, so sad right now. And so alone.

I just looked over the list and while I fixed the grammar mistakes, I noticed they are all very true.
I’m worried one day off won’t help. I can’t afford not to work and I don’t know what I will do if I loose the job.

This cold be very bad, soon.

I woke up this morning with my back feeling pretty bad. I could have forced myself to go to work, but I didn’t. I hurt when I moved, when I sat down, and I know most normal days when I feel good on my way to work, work usually makes it worse. And I have extra hours I have added up because of the extra work I’ve done. So I took the day off.

And I know, not just the activity has been getting to me and my back, it’s the stress. I don’t have enough hours in the day to get things done. I have worked extra hours and I am avoiding doing more extra time because I will never get paid for it. We can bank time at work, but I will never be compensated otherwise. A little extra time I won’t get paid for and I am still behind. That’s just stress number 1. Number 2 is profitability. In all my overworked time, I still have to find a way to make my work more profitable. Our company doesn’t make enough and service is the #1 money maker in Calgary, so everyone is hoping I can make us more money. Like I have the time.

Last part of my stress is that there is little likely hood of an escape. There are a ton of McJobs here in Alberta, but in the realm of the trained and adequately paid there are far less. And even if there was opportunity, I never have been good at getting my ass to looking. I am my own worse enemy in this regard.

So today, while I am still in bed at about 2:00 PM (yep, my back was really hurting and I spent most of the early part of the day in bed) my boss calls. And End User came in for their laptop saying it was done. Yet I didn’t tell him that and it wasn’t done. I told him that hopefully it would be done today, not that it was, and of course, I was home in bed. And I’m sorry my boss had to face this guy and I’m sorry his laptop isn’t ready and I’m sorry he didn’t understand what I said. And the phone call made me feel like shit, and would you know it, but my back still felt pretty bad after that call.

I’ve been getting more and more depressed all day. I’m goofing off, dreading the work day tomorrow, trying to relax. I’ve slept too much to go to bed early. Oh, and did I mention that my dreams were disturbing? They often are when I am depressed, it’s just that I can still forget them when I wake up, thankfully.

Sick days aren’t any fun, as everyone knows. And as I have said before, they are the most lonely things in the word. I wasted my extra hours on this day and right know I am sad and angry and still stressed. My back hurts a little less, so I should be at work tomorrow – the only good news.

I need some help, somehow.
Or I need to suffer more, I think.

Fuck, Fuck, FUCK!!

So I went over today. Earlier in the week I finally answered the phone when they called, and my mother said she just wanted to see me, but I knew what they really wanted or at least what my dad would want so I said I would come over and do chores Saturday afternoon.

I showed up, and in a moment my dad had the chore in mind. Help him paint the front steps. He said he had a pair of overalls I could wear.

I said yes. Always the fool, me.

I was wearing clothes I could get dirty but not what I wanted destroyed. And the overalls ended up being this cheep dollar store paper smock. I did all the painting, he helped prepare things. The front steps became the front steps, and a picnic table… and a bench. There was no roller, so paint splattered a lot, but then I also wanted to work fast, which made more of a mess. And the paint was an oil based paint, and doesn’t wash out, well, at all, really.

Still, I did it. I forgot… again… that No Good Deed Goes Unpunished.

And I was sparingly using lacquer thinner in my parents washroom (it’s expensive, my dad says) Noticing the paint all over my shoes and my jeans, which I really didn’t want to have wrecked, I kept thinking that I have no one to blame but me. I agreed to come over. I said yes. I kept painting. I was making the mess. I hoped for the best and I forgot what I should have remembered.

And on a completely unrelated note about someone else – It’s Not a Damn Paperweight! It was a precious globe, it cost me some money, it was a major prop in my vampire game, and I think it’s quite beautiful. I even named it, and most importantly, it means something to me. It was always the very symbol of a magic object to me and the fact I gave it away to anyone was a big deal to me. I helped you with your day and gave a gift that meant a lot to me and because now it’s a damn paperweight, I honestly don’t even know if I want to see you again.

I should have known. I should have fuckin’ known

You needed a place to stay, and I gave you a home, or a place to remain with friends
You had your special day and needed aid above and beyond.
Or were moving and needed support and assistance.
Perhaps you have had computer trouble – both of you.
Or you wanted a special game day the day before you went away.
Or perhaps you just needed someone to have a night away from the kids with
Or perhaps you are getting older and slower, and just need a hand from time to time.

This is my summer. My summer of obligation

Right now I am so sick my head is filled with nonsense. I keep thinking that I need to go top the video game menu and change things to give my self better protection…ALL…THE…TIME. I can’t even tell I’m not playing a video game right now.
I have sweat so much, I feel like I am wallowing in filth. My bed is partially a swamp.
I am so week, I can’t think straight. I needed bottled water but never re-stocked. Chicken Rice soup almost made me throw up

I am so, very, very alone that my summer of obligation…

I can’t think how to end that thought properly

I did not sort the miniatures that are still scattered on my kitchen table
I did not cook dinner
I did not put my basket of clean laundry away
I did not clean my apartment
I did not respond to emails
And I meant to respond to some emails
I didn’t call any friends
I haven’t checked my voice mail
I didn’t even pick up the phone when it rang
I didn’t pick up one of the books or videos I’ve borrowed
I didn’t even play a video game… yet


I bought a few comics and read a few of them
I was surfing the web
And I downloaded an MP3 from the web and played it a few times
It’s called
”Do I Go”

That’s becoming a more interesting collection of 3 words.

Live. Love.
Goodnight

I have been missing something for some time and I actually don’t really know what it is.

No its not” Who I am going to be with?” or even “Will I ever be with someone?”
It’s “What’s next?” I don’t know the answer to that. I don’t even know where to look, really. I barely know what to do on it.

But I should do something. My life is comics and games and DVDs right now. I like that being what I will do today, but I hate if that’s what I will do every day.
And maybe, I don’t really like that being what I will do today.

I need to start looking. Even if I don’t know where, what or how.
But I need to start.

(I actually thought this was a clever idea when I did it once before and I wanted to do it again. I was probably wrong abut it being clever)

To the tune of “Could I Be You” by Matchbox 20

Something is wrong with the sum of us
That I cant seem to erase
How can I be the only one
Without a smile on my face

I’ve just spend 3 days being sick. Had to use a holiday to get a day off work for it. It sucks, I feel guilty, and I will have more work when I get back. Add this Irony: I have to take off early my first day back, tomorrow, for my therapist appointment.
But I do need it – I feel that I have been sick for three days but haven’t been well for a while

Well now, you’re laughing out loud
At just the thought of being alive
And I was wondering
Could I just be you tonight

I’ve tried emailing friends and keeping in touch a bit, but I am bad at it. It takes me a week to follow up on some, and 3 days ill doesn’t help. And I’ve begun to question my motives for maintaining friendships with them. Why do I think of these friendships in selfish terms? Why do I think of selfish terms more often on so many things?

You show your pain like it really hurts
And I cant even start to feel mine
Well, I’m standing in place
With my head first and I shake, I shake
I see your progress stretched out for miles and miles

My regular gaming group has changed in the past 2-3 years from one couple & 4 single guys to all couples or married people but me. That first couple, B & T (still hate only using initials on the internet) are finally making it official and getting married this summer. And I don’t think I could feel more out of place there unless they went out and said that they didn’t want me there.

Well now, you’re laughing out loud
At just the thought of being alive
And I was wondering
Could I just be you tonight

All those people in the D&D group are good friends and are among the best of them, but the Fifth Wheel effect is very strong. Outside the game, and in the game as well. All the players pair up with someone else. I am the one picked on, the target of the silly jokes and the in game pranks. I hate it.

This is the sound that I make
These are the words I chose
Somehow the right thing to say
Just wont come out
Just wont come out

And I have something I know I will never say out loud, that I won’t blog here, and it may pass. But recently, it has been wearing a hole in my head

And you’re laughing out loud
At the thought of being alive
And I was wondering
Could I just be you tonight

You know, when you are sick, and there is no one to look after you, you can feel more alone than any other time. I have been sick a lot more in 2008 than average – 3 times so far and all for a few days each. I hate it – it doesn’t just make me feel alone – It makes me KNOW I am alone.

And I was wondering
Could I just be you tonight

I know a lot of people have issues in our modern society. Heaven knows my sister and brother-in-law have several serious ones in the past year. But I am surrounded by so many who are not alone. Hell, even at work, my partner has a new girl and my boss is engaged.

Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
And I was wondering
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
And I was wondering
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
Yeah, and I was wondering
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
I was wondering, yeah

I really am.

Live. Love.
Goodnight.